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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"