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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.