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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
You can`t be late until you show up
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.