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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.