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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...