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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.