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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.