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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..