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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."