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BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.