Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)