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I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!