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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
Mondays should start at noon.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I think eating is my kind of sport.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.