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I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?