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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.