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I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell