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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...