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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Own the day
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.