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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake