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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!