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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Sex, do it for the kids.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(:
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.