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Worry: a waste of imagination.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".