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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.