Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.