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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone