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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.