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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.