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First fart at my new job.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
Iām late for a disappointment.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.