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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.