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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.