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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
2 words, 1 finger.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
In space they just call it "Jam"
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.