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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."