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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.