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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
Iām eating just in case I get hungry later
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?