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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
It’s a status….not your diary…
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat