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Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong