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I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??