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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...