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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.