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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.