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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.