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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.