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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.