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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around