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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....