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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.