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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?