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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out