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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?