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The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.