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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.