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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
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Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.