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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.