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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care