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The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.