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I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
For Christmas I just want summer...
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.