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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.