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I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...