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The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.