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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Happy people don`t take long showers.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.