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Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
I dream about naps.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.