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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Save water, shower together.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.