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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.