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Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.