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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Well, Iām bored again. Time to open the fridge