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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.