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Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.