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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
is ready to have one too many!