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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."