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You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”