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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.