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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.