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I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.