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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”