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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
So long pants! See you Monday!
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.