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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.