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I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude