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We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Iām better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but Iām the only one that matters.