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I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you