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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
They should make Vodka ChapStick
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.