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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(