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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.