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Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.