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Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"