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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance