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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie