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What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
My mind has a mind of its own.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people