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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"