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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
I think, therefore i`m single.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.