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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.