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If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!