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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.