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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".