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Vodka is just amazing water.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?