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that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.