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Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.