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Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.