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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.