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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.