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Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Don’t believe everything you think.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today