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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.