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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.