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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.