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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.