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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!