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First fart at my new job.
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever