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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.