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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"