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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords