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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.