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It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.