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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?