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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!