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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`