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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.