Daily Silly Status

Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.

Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?

List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia

I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...

Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.

The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.

So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.

Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.

They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?

Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs

If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?

A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.