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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Personally, I think failure should be an option
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.