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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!