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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?