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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Iām not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.