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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
"But why?" - Me at weddings
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.