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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.