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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.