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You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.