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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.