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French people give me the crepes.
I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"