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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
take me drunk i`m home
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”