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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.