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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.