Daily Silly Status

My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.

People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job

Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.

Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!

I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.

The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone

If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?

i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example

If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.

For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.

Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?

I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.

insert coin to view my status

The early bird needs a punch in the throat.

I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.