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Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
I need a new bad decision.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.