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Partying on my level requires years of training.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.