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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.