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What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying