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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.