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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”