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Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
justin bieber
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.