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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.