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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas