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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.