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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.