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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one