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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.