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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...