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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium