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Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.