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Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Good for you, people that do things.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.