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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
I saw that! - Karma
Gravity is a real downer.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?