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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.