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You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.