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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds