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SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."