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I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.