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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work