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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
The less you know, the more you think you do.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance