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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.