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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.