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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Hard butter is the devil.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.