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is cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding... I´m looking at Hustler and having a beer.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.