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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.