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A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........