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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.