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Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?