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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.