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Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.