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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*