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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.