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Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."