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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.