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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume