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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right