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there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.