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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
This is a lousy dating site.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.